The Effects of Unresolved Trauma on Relationships
Unfortunately, childhood trauma carries a lot of weight on someone throughout their life. One of the reasons why childhood trauma is very difficult for someone to heal from is because unhealthy thought processes and habits have been ingrained unknowingly. While you grow up you are learning about the world and how it works. For those who have to deal with trauma, their knowledge about how the world works is tainted with abnormal perceptions and their own coping mechanisms that they had to develop in order to survive. The abnormal perception of the world is the “normal” for trauma survivors. This has a great impact on every aspect of their life, including their relationships.
Attachment Issues
This is one of the biggest trauma responses. Attachment issues stem from hyper-dependence and a lack of independence, or from hyper-independence and a lack of dependence. This can result in anxious tendencies such as jealousy, trust issues, and not feeling secure. This can also result in avoidant tendencies such as steering clear of intimacy, downplaying important relationships, and having difficulty expressing emotions.
Are you needing constant reassurance from your partner? Are you looking through your partner’s phone expecting signs of infidelity? Do you frequently try to please your partner so you
feel more secure in the relationship? Do you feel jealous and panicky whenever your partner is not with you? These are all thoughts that derive from insecurity and actually harm not only you but also your partner. This can lead to lies, disrespect, and control from one end of the relationship, or from both ends of the relationship.
The best relationships are the ones that grow. In order to grow, you and your partner should practice healthy habits in order to be stable (not perfect!) and break free from the trauma.
How Does This Affect Your Children?
As previously stated, distorted perceptions of the world are normalized for those with childhood trauma. This can include arguing in front of the kids, disrespecting your partner or your children, or invalidating feedback from your children. You also may take your feelings out on your children after an argument with your partner. Trauma can stem from generations of unresolved psychological issues. It is important to recognize these unhealthy habits because if not acted on, the trauma will only carry on to your children.
What To Do?
Breathe. It may get overwhelming trying to comprehend all of this information and trying to apply it to your own experiences. You are already taking the first step! - making the effort to understand what you can do to help yourself and your relationship. Make sure to remind yourself that you are in a loving and healthy relationship. Think about why you chose your partner and how well they mold into your life. Your partner is there to help you grow.
Journal. Writing down your thoughts helps you to stop spiraling and be able to see how much of your thoughts come from fearing non-existent situations that do not exist in your relationship. It can also help us to see how our mind can go on and on about problems we have already solved - journaling helps us to let go. It helps shift our focus from what-ifs to what is.
Reflect. Learn about your trauma and your coping mechanisms. Once you are able to understand and be aware of your defense mechanisms, you can break free from them. This is going to be a journey and will take time so make sure to be patient with yourself. Know you are doing this as a form of self-love and to be better for yourself and your partner.
*Please note that this information is for healthy couples. If you are having trouble identifying if you are in a healthy relationship, please reach out to our team. We are here to help you!
